Give Meaning 

I recently watched an American Greeting commercial that popped up on my newsfeed. It all but brought me to tears because of the message it sends and the way it sends it. You can watch it Here

If you aren’t in a place to watch it/don’t want to, here’s the gist. 

Husband and wife are in bathroom waiting for a pregnancy test to dry. It’s negative. Wife waits for another…and another…and another and they’re all negative. Wife is shown at baby shower. They trick you into thinking it’s her’s until you see the face of the mom to be and the face of the woman who is desperately trying. Doctor’s visits. A friend gives woman a card letting her know she’s not alone. IT. IS. SO. SAD. 

And so beautiful. 

I’ve never struggled with fertility. If I have run into situations where I lost a pregnancy early, I don’t know about them and therefore wouldn’t ever consider myself someone who knows the struggles of what it feels like to wait and hope and wish and watch and pray to whoever you believe in or even whoever you don’t, all in hopes of having a baby to call your own. I haven’t been there in those exact shoes. I’ve suffered one loss that I know of and it was devastating and painful, but the one time I did try to get pregnant, I did. I don’t know what these women feel. 

What I do know is that when I got pregnant with my living daughter Eleanor, I cried in the closet in the fetal position in a basket of laundry because she wasn’t planned and I was scared and didn’t know how my husband would react (he was great, he laughed at me for being worried). I had stumbled upon what seriously has been the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I stumbled upon it. I didn’t appreciate it at first. I would have days of my pregnancy where I would wish I wasn’t pregnant because my severe throwing up and sickness was debilitating on a physical and mental level. There were days I didn’t think I was even going to make it, but I did. 

When we got to the finish line much earlier than expected, I was still all “woe is me, why me,” but now about different circumstances. Now, I don’t fault myself for feeling that way. You can’t really control how you feel. It wasn’t until I was made aware of people’s fertility struggles AFTER I had a baby, that they truly had a profound sadness and overwhelming reminder to be grateful. 

It seems like such beautiful people are out there struggling to be parents while I (and many others) just accidentally had it happen. That doesn’t mean we should feel guilt, but I feel twinges of guilt and sadness and desperation for those parents-to-be to finally get their wish. I know how much I love just burying my face in Elle’s hair and breathing her in and I want everyone in the world who wants that to have it. I know the joy. I am lucky to know this joy and I know it, and because of that, I feel a connection to all the women and men out there who want to feel this joy too. I want them to feel it. 

I think about all of you who are struggling every day, especially now that I’ve lost a child I “planned.” I can’t imagine the pain, but I’m rooting for each and every one of you and praying you get to bring a baby home. ❤️

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